Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

Lie of the Tiger

“Hole in one”

 Tiger Woods has apologised publicly in a heartfelt, sincere, genuine and  earnest press conference written by his public relations company. The Act of Contrition took place before family, friends and a hand-picked audience. Tiger’s words have now gone to the world through  The Holy White Forest of Satellite Dishes  and have displaced all major tragedies and wars from the headlines.

Presumably, his performance will have been followed by him getting a few holes in. Sorry, but the jokes just keep coming. (Oops!) Impossible to resist. Public self-flagellation has never been carried-off successfully and all that was missing  from this particular show was the “dignified” wife. The formula for this type of event , although  well-established is still simultaneously cringe-making, insincere, tragic and funny. Celebrity pantomime at its best.

“I am so sorry”.   “What I did is unacceptable and I am the only person to blame.”  That latter line was a bit pointless because it has always been difficult to blame anyone else for serial adultery. We’ll never know what motivated him to develop the morals of an alley cat but the sad fact is that through his position and success, he had direct access to the sort of amateur hooker that most men can only dream of.

That old saying that when God created man, he gave him a brain and a penis but only enough blood to operate one at a time has never been more apt.

“Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find it in your heart to believe in me again.”

Really Tiger, there’s no point in asking the press for help because you’ve never liked the press and they’ve never  really liked you. The press will continue to be sceptical and that, in the long term is probably a good thing. It might help you to keep it in your trousers.

To put things into perspective , no-one died and no-one was maimed and it’s a pity that the Tiger’s horizontal habits can attract more media attention than the repatriated coffin of a young soldier who died fighting for his country. This time, the only lives which were ruined were his own family’s but the billion or so in the bank ought to take the edge off any discomfort.

What of the lives of the bimbos that he screwed? They have been the bit-part players in this saga – or more accurately, the chorus. Without doubt, their lives have been vastly  enhanced through being nailed by the Tiger. Their spreads with Tiger have been rewarded with spreads in glossy magazines. The only remarkable thing is that they all seem to conform to a single Identifit – Central Casting Caucasian Bimbette – and as repetitiously predictable as a long photocopier run. Incidentally, one would hate to accuse Tiger Woods of racism but he does not seem too keen on black girls – only leggy blondes with big tits.

Amnesic sponsors are already forming a queue, chequebooks at the ready while Tiger “mends” his marriage and  “spends time with those most important to him.” .  Oh yes, then there’s the not insignificant matter of the sex-therapy. It is no longer possible to have a high sex-drive and to want to nail anything that moves – nowadays, it has to be a disease ; an addiction. Money, success and power have always been powerful aphrodisiacs and only become an “addiction” when you are caught.

There’s nothing like a cry for help to soften even the most hardened and uncompromising critic.

Surely, an addiction only develops after one has become dependant and dependency is a function of frequency. That is why the sex addiction syndrome (which was probably invented by Michael Douglas’ publicist) is such a nonsense. Most men (and women) will screw if the right circumstances  and opportunities present themselves. Tiger was merely a victim of circumstance, statistics and mega-opportunity.

So, what’s the future for Tiger Woods? The future’s Orange, or Nike, or Gillette and will be provided by any number of already-slavering marketing departments. 

Meanwhile, his image appears damaged beyond total repair unless of course he does something  so utterly fantastic that it would totally overshadow his innumerable indiscretions – but it wouldn’t be easy and would have to appeal to middle America and its own addiction to home-grown heroes.

To paraphrase David Letterman:  “Perhaps if he were to bring-in Bin Laden on a golf cart and then land it in the Hudson river – that might be a start.”

Tiger Nuts

So we’ve discovered that Tiger finds it difficult to keep it in his trousers. Everyone has views – even the Grand Dames of Fleet Street have spoken and the consensus seems to be that Tiger has been a bad person. Lovely wife, beautiful children and lots of money.  Ergo the man has had everything and he blew it.

Newspapers are crossing-off his sponsors slightly too gleefully and we are all experiencing that comforting touch of “schadenfreude” and are secretly almost glad  that  Tiger has been exposed as a  philandering bastard. It is very likely that he will go down the Michael Douglas route and the hide behind  the American-invented celebrity “illness” of sex-addiction.

The fact is, ladies, that very successful men – without exception have a very high sex-drive. Whether it has something to do with money or whether it is power, doesn’t matter. It exists. It is not an excuse for naughtiness but it is certainly a contributor.

Over the years, I have met many high-powered individuals who travel the world, dispense life-changing decisions and who are hero-worshipped by their underlings. Most are married and most (not all) engage in extra-marital sex of one sort or another.

How many times have you heard women saying to each other “He left his wife for THAT woman. Look at her!”. It happens more than you think and it is a generally accepted fact that the most successful men are on (at least) their second or third partner.

There is always an element of “exponential decay” in any couple’s sex-life and unfortunately, by the time most men achieve professional power  and their sex-drive once again launches into warp-speed, ‘er indoors is usually not the little raver that she used to be  in the days before the family arrived. Because of Tiger’s extreme talent, all this has happened to him and his wife when they are both comparatively young and it has all been amplified by intense media scrutiny.

Men stray from their wives for what they perceive to be better sex although they will say the inevitable  “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before”  to the new lady. That’s normal – even Tiger said it to one of his “friends”.  Women, on the other hand, leave their men for love. They really DO believe that they’ve “Never felt like this”.

Well, someone had to say it.

Incidentally, men do not always stray for a better-looking woman because the whole phenomenon has little to do with looks – or age. It is about sex. I am not suggesting that for instance, those “doyens of dirt”- the Rock stars who have shagged their way through quite a statistically significant slice of the female population are in any way not responsible for their actions – but they suffer from the same syndrome. It is NOT an illness – it is life.

Currently, Tiger Woods’ sex-drive will be very very low and that’s because he will not be experiencing the highs of power and success but hopefully he will recover . Mind you, if his career does recover and it’s “situation normal” in a couple of years, he will have to learn to behave and to control himself – otherwise he will have to rebuild his golf-swing.

It’s not easy hitting a golf ball if you’re packing a permanent hard-on.