Tag Archives: Jordan

You’re in this together

“Air hair lair there” (You’ll have to read it out loud.)

By the end of this week, after we have heard all of the government’s pronouncements on slashes in expenditure, perhaps we may not be as sure as we were about the principle of Self-flagellation Economics.

The Brown-Darling method was the softly-softly approach which combined slow growth with a slow decrease in public expenditure. The major flaw in what they achieved during their 13 years in power was their unbridled expenditure and their total lack of negotiating skill. There are government armaments contracts which have the taxpayer “done up like a kipper” for a generation to come. The various government contracts were negotiated so well (by the suppliers) that it would cost more to unravel the contracts than it would to honour them.

The best example is the farcical situation of having to build two aircraft carriers which will not have any planes landing on them.

The Labour government has left a “Gordian Knot” expenditure legacy which will potentially plunge two generations into poverty.

The coalition government – or should we say, David Cameron and George Osborne know that they are past the stage of papering over the cracks of a broken economy and like Alexander the Great, they have been more-or-less forced into taking the sword to the problem.  Potentially that’s the economics and Conservative ideology taken care of. Unfortunately, they have forgotten the politics.

The “We are in this together” mantra which has been continually boomed out by DC and his disciples is beginning to sound a little thin and unconvincing. Agreed that most of us will be well and truly “in it” but the majority of the Cabinet is immune from the upcoming economic trials and tribulations because they are rich and/or have a Trust Fund or two. That is not the Politics of Envy – just  straight fact which is harming the coalition’s plausibility.

The government is beginning to lack credibility for two reasons. The first is that many members of the government belong to the high-end of socio-economic Group A. The rest of us tend to be Group B-down, with the majority C1 and C2. That very conspiquous disparity has signalled the potential rekindling of the Class War. The Cabinet is connected at the stratospheric levels of business, commerce and banking and appears to be increasingly detached from the ordinary voter.

The other grounds for the government’s lack of credibility are found in the uncomfortable shotgun wedding that was the Lib-Con coalition. Make no mistake, the Liberals are there purely for the head-count. Had it not been for Gordon Brown refusing to vacate the sand-pit, the Liberals would be building sandcastles with Labour. The coalition was a triumph of duplicity over decency.

After this week, the government will enter the most difficult part of its short tenure. The Federal Reserve has announced QE2 ( Quantitative Easing – The Sequel) and where Uncle Sam goes, we are sure to follow.

It was pointed out yesterday that the proposed reduction in Child Benefit (which will really clobber the C1s and C2s) will contribute more to government savings that the banks.  Very soon, the Treasury will be handing more money to the banks so that they can “tidy up” their balance sheets and lend more money to small businesses. Or more accurately, the government will hand banks more pretend money which will be used to buy shares and government gilts which in turn will create profit and bonuses – for the banks.

Somehow, this all feels like a recipe for a very unhappy electorate, so don’t be surprised if very soon you find yourself, Frenchman-like, standing outside somewhere-or-other, holding a placard after having withdrawn you labour (that is if you have any labour to withdraw).

Prepare for a long hard winter.

Message for Wayne Rooney

Piss off. You’re beginning to make Jordan look interesting.

Speaking of socio-economic groups – here’s a “Z”

Another one of those ugly pikey women who looks like a pink Shrek with a ponytail has made the papers. This one has put her 2 year-old daughter on a diet “so that she doesn’t end up looking like me”. She will.

These were her words of wisdom: “With an eating disorder, you can get through it with therapy. But when you’re fat, you’re fat for life”. Not a good excuse to make your young child go hungry – or is she doing it so that there are more chips and fishfingers for her?

By the way, does anyone know why nowadays, women in their early twenties have cultivated such fat wobbly rear-ends – usually accompanied by a ponytail, a Maclaren buggy, arms like a docker and terminal stupidity – you know, the ones who are a TV interviewer’s favourite Vox Pops. They always say either “I think it’s disgusting” or  “Words fail me. I don’t know what to say.”

And where can you buy stretchy size 30+ jeans and those plain short-sleeved tops?

In the old days, at least women waited until their 40s before they enjoyed the comfort of accelerated below-the-waist growth.

The French.

Spanish Air Traffic Controller:  “Tango Yankee Bravo 141 is just entering French air space. I am handing him to you. Over.”

French Air Traffic Controller:  ” I spit on your plane.”

I love the French.

Twenty-one 2010 predictions

On 15th May 2008, I predicted the nationalisation of British Banks. 

On 20th April 2009, I predicted that by the end of the year the FTSE 100 would fall to below 2500

On 3rd November 2009, I predicted the collapse of the dollar and of the pound-sterling 

The first prediction has come to pass – in all but name. The third prediction is about to come true. The FTSE 100 prediction of 2500 was out by a factor of over 100% – so what happened? Quantitative Easing is what happened. Very few of us could have predicted that the Bank of England would start to generate free money, hand it to the banks and allow them to use it to gamble on the stock markets and continue to declare false profits.

Currently, the FTSE 100 stands at over 5400 but this value is totally unsustainable. It is a false dawn. Bankers are now daring to predict that we will not have a “double-dip” recession and that everything seems to be looking rosy. When the dollar and pound collapse and the pound is worth the same or less that the Euro, we will see some real (genuine) action on the world’s stock exchanges.

The critical time in 2010 will not be the first quarter but the second –  because Q2 will contain not-only the beginning of the new tax year but also the General Election and the frightening spectre of the Liberals holding the balance of power. The only good thing that would come out of such a result would be Vince Cable as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Here are the 2010 predictions.

1. The collapse of the dollar and the pound – with the pound achieving a value of 0.9 Euros and the dollar achieving parity with the pound.

2. An accelerated move away from the concept of Anthropogenic (Man made) Global Warming.

3. The United Kingdom being down-graded by the rating agencies – based on its inability to service its current debts.

4. Bankers, Financiers and financial journalists will finally run out of metaphors to describe the apalling state of the British economy.

5. Conservatives will win the  General Election but without an overall majority.

6. Stock Market crash  .

7. 10% more British retailers to go out of business.

8. Arsenal to win the Premiership.

9. The beginnings of civil unrest in the United Kingdom. 

10. AFNAJ ( Artist formerly known as Jordan) hospitalised – inevitable progression. Woo Woo land beckons.

11. Another scandal involving Jeffrey Archer – it’s about time and will include at least one of his editors or maybe Jeffrey’s well-travelled trouser department or maybe the Kurds’ missing millions. We’ll see what we can do.

12. A well-known rock star will succumb to “prescription drugs”. (That’s an easy one because it is an annual event.)

13. The Queen will visit China. It’s about time and someone has to hold the begging bowl.

14. United Kingdom unemployment will be over 3 million.

15. At least one large bank will move its operations offshore.

16. The Americans will threaten to invade Iran. The Russians and Chinese will tell them to “butt-out”.

17. The cost of an  iPhone will be halved because of competition from Google and Android.

18. iSlate will be the “must have” 2010 Christmas present. (Apple has just bought islate.com)

19. The Miliband brothers will be tasked with rebuilding the Labour Party.

20. Gordon Brown’s wife Sarah will write a book and become a television chat-show host.

21. Someone from Goldman Sachs will tell the world how Executive Order 12631 has been abused both to their and the US Government’s benefit.

Price of Jordan.

Apparently ALL books, perfume, underwear, horse-riding gear etc which are being distributed under the Jordan brand are taking a bit of a nose-dive. Lower sales and an unwillingness of major stores to even distribute the goods appears to indicate the end of the  Jordan obsession.

That was all happening BEFORE Ms Price walked out of “I’m a Celebrity”. Those in the know think that leaving the show was a major mistake.

Here’s what Max Clifford has said:

“In terms of PR, what Jordan did last night was not a good move at all.

“It’s clear the public don’t like her because she kept getting nominated for all the trials. By storming off, that has been cemented.”

Max added: “She could have used the jungle to her advantage but she’s done the opposite.

“It could be the beginning of the end for her. Next year could be it. Her career is starting to show elements of diminishing returns.

“The public have seen the real Kate Price over the past few months and they don’t like what they see.”

Max should know and he is right.

It seems that Jordan has finally been found-out. Even an army of ghost-writers and PR men will not be able to put Jordan together again.

Incidentally, she ought to sue the plastic surgeon who “did” her face – especially the platypus-like top lip and the catalogue nose.

Give it a Tweak.

We are currently a single-concept country.  It is still MPs’ expenses – although Susan Boyle has also embedded herself in our psyche, providing very welcome relief from the ridicule and vilification of our Parliamentary representatives.

The most disturbing thing though is not the range and volume (and ingenuity) of our Members of Parliament but the inertia of all our political leaders. It is now dawning on  Joe Taxpayer that there isn’t a single political leader who has any idea how to attack the problem.

David Cameron favours kangaroo courts and a General Election. Gordon Brown favours the grand gesture of Parliamentary Reform (whatever that is) and an enquiry or two. The Liberal bloke….whassisname…Clegg is trying hard to capture the non-existent middle ground and is wheeled out occasionally for an insignificantly ineffectual bleat.

If you have got into the habit of listening very carefully to Gordon Brown, you will have noticed that he keeps making vague promises but there are no “doing” verbs in his lexicon. David Cameron is like Wily Coyote. Trouble is, it’s too easy. Gordon “Roadrunner ” Brown is mentally-stationary and not really providing any sport for the increasingly frustrated Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition. Vince Cable throws out the occasional soundbite but that’s about all.

This is also a time for opportunists to slither onto the political stage. Where are the intellectuals, the industrial leaders, the economists? They are not that stupid. Instead we have Esther Rantzen and David Van Day. Perhaps that is all that we deserve. After all, politicians are OUR representatives, they reflect our beliefs and behaviours – so one could argue that we have the politicians that we deserve.

Maybe the next stage for politics is another negative quantum leap to synchronise with what we have become in 2009. We are a skint has-been nation which finds its solace in the pursuit and worship of celebrity. Perhaps a future Cabinet which consisted of Esther Rantzen, David Van Day, Jordan, Kerry Catona, Biggins, a (any) footballer’s wife and Stan Collymore is what we deserve.

So, I hear you say – “If you’re so smart sunshine, what is the solution?”

The problem of MPs’ expenses has been caused by a total lack of management  within Westminster. Gorbals Mick has the brief is to provide Speaker-type leadership and a nominal amount of management. The “nominal” bit was OK in the good old days when Members were an honourable lot but not today. ( I have to admit that I am not sure quite when the “honourable” period  was but please bear with me on this one.)

Comparison with the “good old days” is important because up until as recently as ten years ago, we the Brits had a healthy fear and respect for authority. We used to be fed RESPECT with our Cow & Gate plus we have a class system which helps us along the way, with our “They’re the same as us really” attitude.

MPS are “the same as us” in all senses of the phrase. Therefore, they need as much management and control in their day-to-day jobs as the rest of us.

For instance, let’s look at the management of Parliamentary expenses. Simple measures such as giving senior MPs a group of others to “look after” and sign-off their expenses BEFORE they go to the Westminster Finance Office. A simple “signing off” system would stop most naughtiness and would certainly stop a bunch of lowly finance civil servants from being bullied by loud-mouthed MPs. “Accountability” will have been introduced.

I would also consider allowing the Government to sign-off the Oppositions expenses and vice versa. That would have an immediate impact. That’s what I would call REAL transparency.

Nowadays, we actually believe that they (the politicians) are the “same as us”, that is to say, disrespectful, self-serving, celebrity-worshipping, selfish scumbags. Just think who people such as Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Fred the Shred and others like to be seen with. Do they respect us, their “clients”?  What is more important to them than their big houses, mortgages, pensions and expense accounts? Nothing, it seems.

These attitudes and behaviours have killed not-only our banking system and possibly our economy but have exposed “New” Labour as “Pretend Socialism”. Orwell was not only right but he was more right than others.

Then there’s Conservatism. “Nice” Conservatism should be about encouraging the individual  and giving him the tools to be able to look after himself and his family without looking to the State for charity whereas at the same time providing proper support for the weak.

That is where our best chances lie – within the gentle conservatism of the Major/Blair days.

Finally, there are two other negative contributory factors – namely, bad candidate selection and nepotism. There are too many “hereditary” Members of Parliament – especially within the Conservative Party.

Candidate selection should be done more scientifically. I once attended a selection interview and was surprised to see about ten “crumblies” sitting round a table, without a plan and obviously not having a clue which questions to ask. They did not stand a chance. That has to stop. What is needed is rigorous, tested selection. Filter-out the bandits way before their mugshot appears on a campaign poster.

So as you can see, a few gentle tweaks will do the trick. Not the procrastination of “Constitutional change”, nor the prevarication of Commissions and Enquiries or the chaos of a General Election. Those approaches may all be good solutions but not to the current problem.

Just a few tweaks and normal service will be resumed.