Tag Archives: Jonathan Ross

Twitter to who?


Here in the UK, the gossip website Twitter.com has suddenly taken off like a rocket , all because of  last week’s discussion  between His Holiness Stephen Fry and the potty-mouthed Jonathan (call me Ranker) Ross.
Inevitably, Twitter has the usual itinerant population of Hypnotists, Holistic Healers, Motivational Speakers and “How would you like to make $3500 per day” merchants but it is so much fun.
The idea is very simple – you register and put down your thoughts and deeds as often as you like – as long as each entry is no longer than 140 characters.  A sort of electronic Haiku.  You can also “follow” others’ entries and you can allow as many people as you want to follow your musings.
Currently, Stephen is undoubtedly UK’s  “Mr Twitter” as he has over 100,000 followers (or should I say disciples?).
So what exactly is it for?

In the beginning there was email but originally, that involved sentences, grammar , punctuation and all that old-fashioned stuff. All that superfluous fluff was soon removed and for good measure, vowels were also rmvd. Thus the text message was born. All in the name of as little effort as possible.
A few years ago, the Blog was invented. A Blog is  a personal website where you can write anything you want, in the hope that others read it, but there is a catch. Paragraphs, punctuation, spelling  and all that jazz are again the order of the day. If you want to look like a writer, apparently you need all that formal stuff. There along came Twitter – a shorthand blog.  Most of us can  write something  in 140 letters and spaces – so Twitter is a great leveller.

Those with the brain of an isopod may fashion to appear as clever as the eruditiously tumid St. Stephen of Fry.
Twitter.com is the 21st century version of Vanity Publishing and has all the characteristics of being of its time. It is quick, shallow and disposable – but luscious.
There some very famous individuals sharing their thoughts and deeds – for instance , we all knew by early this morning that “Schofe” was snowed-in and would not be appearing on This Morning and  St. Stephen was in the recording studio. Mundane? Yes.
Definitely a case of the  Bland reading the Bland. But wait…………
This morning, I was informed by email that a very well-known person was “following” me. I must admit to a slight “frisson” and am currently trying to compose something  very learned and witty – all within the constraints of 140 characters.  Hmm……………

Russ and Ross – Dumb and Dumber.

“He fuck my granddaughter so I fuck him and his friend. Pajeros! “

So Jonathan Ross told Andrew Sachs’ answerphone that Russell Brand fucked his granddaughter. So what?

The BBC has always had a bit of a po-faced attitude which took root in “the Beginning” – in (The)Lord Reid’s day. In those days, Christians did not fuck except to procreate and the Brits were still suffering from the post-Victorian sex hangover which regrettably still persists to this day.

The Brits are obsessed by sex, although the word “fuck” is still unacceptable – but only in certain contexts. Jonathan Ross can say “fuck” on television, although admittedly, there is exec-rationing of the word. Interestingly enough, people do not fuck on the radio – not even a bleep.

Georgina Baillie is a little-known member of a striptease act called Satanic Sluts and her stage name is “Voluptua”. One is not suggesting that she deserves any less respect than Mother Teresa but let’s face it – this is publicity Manna-from-heaven for the girl. Ask Max Clifford – and rest assured, he will be extracting maximum mileage from this one!

There have been many “Max-lovelies” who can only be adequately offended by appearing in a Sunday red-top with their tits out. Let’s wait and see!

Georgina’s father Charles has announced that Andrew Sachs is a “national treasure”. No he is not. He is a middle-of-the-road actor who (many years ago) created a very funny but racist interpretation of a thick Spanish waiter called Manuel.

In those days, it was perfectly acceptable to refer to black people as “Sambos”,  Anne Bell showed her pubic hair on television, Ronnie Barker took the piss out of people with a stammer, and Ken Tynan said “fuck” for the first time. Happy days!

Nowadays, we have young men getting their knobs out on telly, young women showing their fannies and people regularly telling each other to “fuck off”.

The upshot is that we are all finding it more and more difficult to be properly offended although some of us do still play very hard at it.

Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand are a pair of damaged wankers but what sets them apart  and makes them so lovable is their incredible fluency  and unique use of modern  English- although Russell covers his lack of education with strings of borrowed, pre-packaged and/or contrived “mots non-justes”. ( I hope that he’s not offended and of course, I apologise unreservedly).

We enjoy the fact that Russell’s world seems to be one long shag-fest and we’re all thinking “You lucky, lucky bastard.”  We also know that Jonathan has modelled himself on American shock-jock Howard Stern and that he captures the psychological high-ground in most interviews with a crude reference or two. Let’s face it, he was hired by the BBC to be rude, crude and controversial and not to introduce Songs of Praise.

It’s horses for courses. For instance, you would never expect Huw Edwards to refer to his wife’s big tits but Jonathan can and does.  We love him for it and again we think “You lucky bastard”.

The bandwagon is creaking as politicians jump on, there will be questions in the House but really folks, it was just a harmless prank. A storm in a D-cup.

“Manuel” Sachs has been quoted as saying that apologies belong to his granddaughter.

Congratulations would be far more appropriate, wouldn’t they Max?