There has been some negative publicity for Google and the fact that while they were zooming around the country, photographing, they somehow managed to hack into our unprotected routers and glean personal information from our PCs. A few weeks before, we had the scandal of reporters hacking into mobile phone signals and snooping on private phonecalls made by celebrities and politicians. Here is the transcript of one such conversation:
George: Hello, is that you pater?
Sir Peter: Who is this?
George: It’s George. ….Your son
Sir Peter: Oh, is that you Gideon? How are you?
George: Pater – Please don’t call me that. You know that I prefer “George”.
Sir Peter: OK GEORGE. What can I do for you. What about ” Gidders”. Your chums used to call you that. “George ” sounds a bit common these days.
George: “George” is fine. Funny you should mention that because that’s what I want to ask you about. I can’t ask anyone at the office because they’d laugh at me.
Sir Peter: Well….erm… George….If… it’s about the birds and the bees – I thought that we had that conversation when you were 26.
George: No, Pater. It’s about the working classes.
Sir Peter: What about the working classes.
George: Have I ever actually met one?
Sir Peter: Have you ever met what?
George: A working class? I think that I’d recognise one if I saw one but I’m not quite sure what one is. What exactly is it? Is it a person? For instance is it to do with being poor? Is everyone who earns less than £100,000 a year “working class”? Do they wear caps and suffer from consumption? Where do they gather?
Sir Peter: Forgot to ask you George – what are you up to these days? Still writing jokes for that northern bloke who wrestles with Sebastian Coe? Now what was his name? William? William Bushmill?
George: Hague! It was William Hague!
Sir Peter: I knew it was some sort of whiskey. Hague. That’s right. Wasn’t he Leader?
George: Pater! I’m the Chancellor of the Exchequer!
Sir Peter: (LAUGHTER) Chancellor of the (SNORT) what? Did you say Exchequer? Do you mean Ken Clarke’s old job. What’s Ken up to these days? He’s a right laugh. He’s working class but he’s managed to do such a good accent that we almost treat him like one of our own. Anyway – what do you mean Chancellor? You did History at university, didn’t you? What is it about history graduates and the Chancellor’s job. You were never good with numbers. Wasn’t that Commie Gordon Brown another History boy?
George: David asked me to do it, so I’m having a go. Didn’t you see me on the television? I wore my best suit and when I finished my speech, Dave and the rest of them patted me on the back and then we went for some fizz cocktails. It was brill!
Sir Peter: That was you, was it? Your hair looked so black. Have you been colouring it Gideon? You naughty boy!
George: It’s George. Fucking GEORGE!
Sir Peter: Calm down, Gideon. What would your mother say if she heard your potty-mouth. You sound SO working class.
George: Working class? Do you really think so? That’s cool.
Sir Peter: What is cool? What’s that mean? Have you been at the Colombian nose powder again. You promised ………Gideon?
George: For fuck’s sake, pater. I’m Chancellor of the fucking Exchequer. I’m an important politician……There’s a big Jag that goes with the job!
Sir Peter: Do you still keep in touch with those Buller Boys? Such a nice crowd. Still having a good time with that nice Nat? Always liked him.
George: Pater…That fucking Rothschild wanker tried to drop me in the shit by grassing me up about a visit to a yacht and trying to bum £50k off his Russian employer. He’s supposed to be an adviser to the Russian but I reckon he’s no more than his fund- bitch. A hedge whore!
Sir Peter: Gideon! I’m afraid that I didn’t understand a word of that. You are definitely sounding common.
George: Really? Thanks, Pater. Our GDP growth is up. 0.8% up. We’re having a party later but Dave says that we must be careful in case we’re spotted by poor people. Those working classes.
Sir Peter: GDP? What’s that?
George: Not quite sure, Pater – but I have lots of advisers. Some of them know.
Sir Peter: Why is 0.8% a good thing? It sounds pretty crap to me. 0.8% in a month is only 9.6 per year…..I read that the Chinese managed that is the quarter between July and September
George: Between you and me…it IS crap. But we put the word out that it was going to be much worse and the surprise is keeping everyone happy. Even those zombie economists. By the way, the 0.8% wasn’t for the month. It was for the quarter between July and September. The same quarter during which the Chinks managed 9.6%. Really crap but we’re getting fed up with blaming those Labour tossers so were making it look as if we did it! The most exciting bit is that Standard and Poors have increased Britain’s credit rating. Reeesult!
Sir Peter: Standard and Poors? Isn’t that a bisquit? Gideon – why don’t you come back and help us with the wallpaper. For the moment we’re doing really well. As you are Chancellor – can we put “By Appointment to the Chancellor” on our van?
George: No pater, you cannot! I have to go now. The First Secretary to the Treasury is being beaten up again. He gets beaten up more times than an adopted cross-eyed ginger kid. I don’t think you’ve met him. We call him “Beaker”. You know, Beaker from the Muppet Show.
Sir Peter: I really have no idea what you are talking about. You are such a disappointment to your mother. Osborne and Little is so well-known and yet you go off to Westminster and become Chancellor of the Exchequer when there’s a REAL job waiting for you. Right here.
George: Have to go now, pater. My chauffeur has just turned up and is taking me for a ride.
Sir Peter: You have a chauffeur? Still drinking, eh? You asked about working class. A chauffeur is working class. Talk to him.
George: He’s not working class. He’s quite clever and used to be an existentialist.
Sir Peter: An existentialist chauffeur? How do you work that out? What made him an existentialist?
George: He used to sleep on his sister’s kitchen floor with his gay boyfriend and claimed Jobseekers Allowance. He helped me with the Spending Review.
Sir Peter: Still mixing with a bad crowd I see, Gideon.
George: There’s nothing wrong with the Bilderbergers. Even Ken Clarke goes to the meetings. It’s just like Round Table but without the Estate Agents and Dentists.
Sir Peter: I have to go now, Gideon. Your mother needs to go to Homebase. We’ve run out of wallpaper paste and I still have no idea what you’re talking about.
George: Bye pater and love to mummy.
Sir Peter: Goodbye Gideon. Please pass on our good wishes to that Derek Cameron and his friend Sam.