Tag Archives: by-election

Eastleigh: a UKIP lesson

Last year, I predicted as follows:  “David Cameron will realise that UKIP is a clear and present danger and will begin the fight-back by the only way possible. He will adopt their policies and reinforce that by continuing to spray copious volumes of testosterone in Brussels.” ( #17 HERE )

In spite of the Conservatives’ best efforts to smear the Liberal Democrats with the ridiculously-timed media Lord Rennard “Gropegate” campaign, the Party has been humiliated in the fifteenth by-election of this lame government. The majority of all the other by-elections since 2010 were straightforward and predictable “Labour Hold” results – this one was different. Very different.

If the insufferably smug UKIP leader Nigel Farage struts any more zingily, he’ll injure himself! But who can blame him? The incompetence, the 19th Century policies, the 18th Century verbal jousting and lack of cogent communication by the other parties has helped UKIP to begin their final climb to Westminster.

Both main parties will dismiss this colossal electoral success by UKIP as a mere mid-term blip…and they will suffer because of their total lack of either proper analysis or strategy. To both main parties but especially the Conservatives, UKIP has been allowed to become (ironically) like the Eurozone – it has flourished into a problem without solution. UKIP is here to say.

The way any government operates is very straightforward. The first half of its term in office is given over to imposing the necessary “bad bits” – the policies which are bound to be unpopular.

The second half of its tenure (especially in the final 12 months leading to a General Election)  is usually distinguished by the giveaways – the “nice bits”. (Tax decreases, new thresholds, share handouts etc).

This time – it will NOT work. It will not work because , in the final analysis – forget policies and promises….we vote for people we like and trust. The present Coalition government (especially the Tories) have no-one particularly likeable to offer and they have certainly “blown” the last vestiges of any pre-election trust that the electorate had in them.

But the REALLY big tactical error that the Conservatives made in Eastleigh was their choice of candidate, Mrs Maria “I say what I think” Hutchings. She was the nearest that the Tories could find to their own ersatz  UKIP candidate.

They thought that they might just fool the electorate…………. and failed.

We’ve already had the traditional “Yes, it’s disappointing but I’m sure that we can win the voters back at the next General Election” announcement from the Prime Minister.

Are you sure about that, Dave?

(BTW – well done Libdems………. and Nick, there’s a difference between “stunning ” and “stunned”!)

Brown Dread 2

aligord4.jpg“So, let me get this straight. You’re telling me that I fucked up again. Right? Let me tell you something , you punks. You keep messing with me  – you know the sort of thing  – not voting for the Party and showing me disrespect and other stuff. The Crewe caper was a one-off temporary setback.  This Glasgow temporary setback is  another one-off temporary setback which is unlikely to be repeated while I’m in charge. I am still the most popular leader since  Alec Douglas-Homo. That Cameron punk is a nobody. He shows no respect. Keep an eye on his pretty face. Accident? What accident? I was in a meeting.

Those nice Milliband boys – they are like my sons and I would hate to see anything bad happen to them. The Ed Balls boy is harmless but I would hate him to lose his surname – if you know what I mean.  I hired him and his woman because I know that they will be no trouble – but I have asked Jack to look out for them,  just in case of any more accidents.

Jack has always been a good man. I like him but I like to keep him close. The only problem is that he has a mouth – the sort of mouth that could lead to misunderstandings and sometimes… very bad accidents. That was not a threat – just an observation.

That Tarquin Timpson won the Crewe caper fair and square and I respect that. Mind you what do you expect with a Labour candidate called Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey. She sounds like a toff – no wonder we lost. 

In Glasgow we had the  Curran woman. She’s OK, I suppose but she looks a bit accident prone and  I know that we should have made her a appointment at Specsavers – but you can’t do everyrhing. She went to meet this old guy who had been  presented with a gong and said that he was a real inspiration. She said:

“Mr McGuiness is a 93 year old—who looks not a day past 70, by the way—living in a sheltered housing complex that I went to visit today.

Mr McGuiness fought with the Desert Rats in World War II and was treated in hospital for shrapnel wounds. He also fought in Yugoslavia with the partisans against the German occupation.

He reminded me of all the sacrifices our older generation made so that we can enjoy freedom today. I hope every single voter in the East End uses their hard-fought right to vote on July 24th.

Having met Mr McGuiness today, I am reminded we owe it to people like him to use our democratic right to vote.”

When Mr McGuiness met Mrs Curran , we thought he looked a bit pissed off. You would think that he’d be quite pleased at the compliment about his youthful looks .

Do you know his secret of eternal life ? He is 67.

Mr McGuinness had been confused with a  real 93 year-old called John Hipson.

John McGuinness had been  the proposer  on the Nomination Paper of the Scottish Socialist Party candidate. Her name was Frances Curran.

See? When you think stuff out, you always get to the bottom of the problem. Mind you, with a cock-up like that, she would have fitted right into the Cabinet with no problem whatsoever.

By the way, I still know that there are Labour Members with small majorities who know that they are onto a good little earner and who are getting nervous, especially  about losing their seats  and their secretaries or researchers scoring a few quid from the Sunday red-tops – in spite of that Adolf Mosley case. They think that come 2010, after the divorce , they might have to find a proper job.  All that I have to say to them is – ask yourselves, what is the point of a good clean Parliamentary  job with no heavy lifting if you have no legs – even if it’s only for a couple more years?  We don’t have to hurt each other, do we? Let’s stop all that silly talk about leadership challenges. Brakepipes on official Jags have been known to come adrift for no reason and cycling can also be dangerous – there could be a sudden increase in the number of hit-and-run accidents around Westminster – especially with that  new London mayor Doris Johanssen in charge.  You never know. Think about it.

Who? McDonnell? Never heard of him. Has he got a bike?”

The one-horse race loser.

cameron-davis.jpg

“Davis, that’s twice that you’ve pissed on my shoes. It won’t happen again.”

David Davis, the ex-Shadow Home Secretary has just consigned himself to that pile of broken dreams and unfulfilled ambitions that is the political scrapheap – and he went there of his own free will!!

Dave Cameron, being the nice guy that he undoubtedly is, gave Davis a job. One presumes that he did it on the old Mafia basis of keeping your friends close but your enemies even closer.

Davis is a pretend toff who may have (almost) acquired the accent, the grooming and all that stuff but really, he is in a group of one. You can tell that from the self-inflicted love bites.

David Cameron is undoubtedly a good manager and if there is one thing that a good manager dislikes it is surprise. Most leaders operate a “no surprises” regime. The surprise that Deluded Davis has presented suggests several things: Vanity, Ambition, a Hidden Agenda and the inability to be a Team Player.

Those were all good Conservative attributes about 20 years ago but nowadays the Party knows that in order to survive and prosper, it has to behave as a single organism or shoal with just one big fish swimming at the front.

Those that desert the shoal invariably perish.

Davis looks like a spud in a Savile Row suit – not quite right. The shoaling instinct among proper toffs is very strong. They can sense a “wrong ‘un” at fifty paces and will occasionally tolerate an outsider but Toffdom is situated well above a triple-glazed toughened glass ceiling.

Davis has already had one go at penetrating the impenetrable. This current (and last) attempt will finish him. The sad fact is that we don’t give a shit about what he thinks or what his principles are.

The rambling statement that he read from a flapping sheet of A4 sounded as if it had been hastily contrived by a first-year student  watching Question Time after too many ciders. Of course, the big bonus for us was that we had the treat of  hearing Deluded Davis reading out his own suicide note. Pure showbiz!!

As he put his hands around his own neck and began to squeeze, he referred to the ‘slow strangulation of fundamental freedoms by this government’.

He should wake up (if he can)  and smell the Frappuccino. The Tories are going to win the 2010 election. Any laws that are  either too onerous or unworkable can be repealed. As Home Secretary. he could have been the man to reverse the slow strangulation.

Directorships, chairmanships of meaningless enquiries and possibly Brussells are already beckoning. That is the Valhalla for political losers.

That well-known funster Kelvin “I am so controversial” MacKenzie will be standing against Davis. All that we need to complete the full set is Coco the Clown and a loose-wheeled wagon.

Brown Dread

“So, let me get this straight. You’re telling me that I fucked up. right? Let me tell you something , you punks. You keep messing with me  – you know the sort of thing  – not voting for the Party and showing me disrespect and other stuff. The Crewe caper was a one-off temporary setback. I am still the most popular leader since brownboss.jpg Alec Douglas-Homo. That Cameron punk is a nobody. He shows no respect. Keep an eye on his pretty face. Accident? What accident?

Those nice Milliband boys – they are like my sons and I would hate to see anything bad happen to them. The Ed Balls boy is harmless but I would hate him to lose th “h”  in “harmless” or even his surname – if you know what I mean.  I hired him and his woman because I know that they will be no trouble – but I have asked Jack to look out for them,  just in case of any more accidents.

Jack has always been a good man. I like him but I like to keep him close. The only problem is that he has a mouth – the sort of mouth that could lead to misunderstandings and sometimes… very bad accidents. That was not a threat – just an observation.

That Tarquin Timpson won fair and square and I respect that. Mind you what do you expect with a Labour candidate called Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsey. She sounds like a toff – no wonder we lost.

See? When you think stuff out, you always get to the bottom of the problem.

I know that there are members with small majorities who know that they are onto a good little earner and who are getting nervous, especially  about their secretaries and researchers scoring a few quid from the red-top Sundays. They think that come 2010, after the divorce , they might have to find a proper job.  All that I have to say to them is – ask yourselves, what is the point of a good clean Parliamentary  job with no heavy lifting if you have no legs? Think about it. Leave it! We don’t have to hurt each other, do we?”

Toff at the Top

blairtoff.jpg

 

Is this the sort of man that we want to lead us? Or shall we go for something like this:

camerontoff.jpgThe Crewe by-election  is extracting the best and worst from the British psyche. The British working classes worship Royalty and the upper classes, yet at the same time they bemoan the fact that they (the toffs) are out of touch with the average working man.

They (the workers)  have a chronic inferiority complex  and will always defer to anyone who speaks with a “posh” accent but like to think “we’re all the same really”. We are not all the same.

Let’s just spell it out:  The working class cannot produce a leader. The working class has only ever produced a handful of decent Members of Parliament and the majority of those attended either Oxford or Cambridge.

Most working class people have neither the vocabulary nor  the intellect to lead others and they badly need someone to look up to. Generalisation?  You bet it is.

Likewise, the toffs are all chinless wonders with lots of dosh, even the thick ones get to University because they can pay for it and they don’t know what it’s like to be broke. Another generalisation? Yup.

We need leaders who can communicate and who don’t regard politics as a nice little earner. That is a very strong argument for politicians who are of independent means and who , on being elected, will not rip off the system because they have just discovered the triple concepts of the “second home”, red wine at more than £3.99 a bottle and researcher-shagging.

At the other extreme, we have the Pot-noodle eating, tattooed Chav who cannot string a whole sentence together and who is extremely stupid. He  thinks that the current MPs salary is a fortune and if elected as  MP, will make the most of his perks because, deep down, he aspires to be a toff. After all , he is equipped – he has a Burberry baseball cap!

The choice is ours.

Edward Timpson is a good bloke and will make an excellent Member of Parliament. So his family is loaded. So what? We would all like to be loaded. Those of you who are currently in the financial shit are there because over the last few years  of New Labours “virtual” plenty, you were given the opportunity to think that you were  loaded. Like a toff.

Labour supporters and canvassers in Crewe are dressing up like toffs in the vain hope that somehow we will all laugh with them. No we won’t. They are all making themselves look like dicks and should stop it.

Spygun was born with a plastic spoon in his mouth and being of European rather than English extraction is mildly amused by the Tom and Jerry antics of the British classes.

Let a semi-outsider spell it out for you: If an individual speaks with an accent; for example a Birmingham, Yorkshire or Welsh accent – he is not necessarily either thick nor working class. Conversely, someone who speaks with a public school accent ( the one where all the words are pronounced properly and arranged into sentences), he or she is not necessarily rich and superior.

We do make lots of assumptions based on too little knowledge. For instance, if someone speaks with a French accent, they are not necessarily  a homosexual, garlic-chewing surrender monkey. Mind you…………………

Nearly forgot – this is what we have at the moment:

 

brownkid1.jpg “Macmillan said that we’ve never had it so good. Well, I’ve never had it! And NO, my left hand isn’t always like this”

 

p.s. Look at Blair’s right hand in the top photo. That confirms it! They are a right bunch.

 

 

 

If you answer YES to TWO of these questions, you are a toff:

1. Have you ever said “Gosh”?

2. Have you ever been to pony camp?

3. Do you know where Antibes and Deauville are?

4. Have you ever read the Tatler?

5. Do your parents have an Aga?

6. Have you been to Cowdray Park?

7. Does your house have a library?

8. Is there a tiara in your family?

9. Can you use a bidet properly?

10. Have you been to Henley and Glyndebourne?

11. Could you go straight to Harrods food hall?

12. Have you ever seen the inside of a Range Rover?

13. Does your name end with the letter “a”?

14. Have you ever found lead shot in your food?

15. Do you have HRH before your name?