Tag Archives: accountant

One that is wearingly dull, repetitive, or tedious.

glass.jpg

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

There are so many unfair jokes which poke fun at accountants.

Here are some more:

An accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turned into a golden coach.

The accountant concluded the story: ” Of course, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, that would have been classified as income but if it had lasted any length of time it would have been a long-term capital gain which of course would have been depreciated out over several years?”

………………………………..

A businessman had been learning to be a balloonist and took his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind got up, he was blown off course and forced to land. He landed in a paddock close to a road but had no idea where he is.

He saw a car coming along the road and hailed it. The driver got out and the balloonist said, “Hello there, can you tell me where I am?’

“Yes, of course”, said the motorist. “You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson’s farm, 13.5 kilometres from Melton Mowbray which is in Leicestershire. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you.”

At that moment the bull reached the balloonist and tossed him over the fence. Luckily he was unhurt. He got up, dusted himself off and said to the motorist, “I see you’re an accountant”.

“Good Grief”, said the other man, “you’re right. How did you know that?”

“I employ accountants”, said the balloonist. “The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help.”

………………………………..

Those little stories above are typical of the jokes that one hears about accountants. What is it about accountants? Dull, unimaginative, anally-retentive, boring are just some of the more pleasant adjectives applied to this bean-counting sub-species of Homo Sapiens. 

Accountants are the French Letters on the Pricks of Progress  is my particular favourite.

I have a relative who used to employ an accountant. He always asked the accountant for advice and then did the exact opposite. He retired several years ago with £5 million in the bank.

Spygun has acquired an unfair reputation for accountant-bashing, so here we go again…….

I have always wondered what makes someone want to become an accountant. When does a youngster realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life reciting “Every debit has a credit”.

Does he make that decision when he realises that he doesn’t have the charisma to suceed as an  undertaker? Is it a personality thing?

They say that an extroverted accountant is one who stares at your shoes instead of his own and that he uses his personality for birth control  – and if you ever want to drive an accountant insane here is what you do: Tie him to a chair and make him watch as you fold up a road map the wrong way.

Jokes such as the following one do nothing to enhance the accountants’ reputation:

A lady went to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examined her.

“I’m sorry,” he said”but it’s bad news. You have only six months to live.”

The distraught woman cried , “Oh Doctor. That’s terrible. What should I do?”

The doctor says, “I advise you to marry an accountant.”

“Will that make me live longer?”

“No,” says the doctor. “But it will seem longer.”

So what can we do  to stop this disgraceful accountant abuse?

NOTHING.

The following notes were to appear on our Management Training website but in the spirit of wishing to share new and interesting techniques – here are a few ways with which to deal with an accountant – should you be unlucky enough to be engaged in conversation with one – for instance at a stamp collecting club or line dancing class:

Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message 

See how long you can hold a note
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes)
Not that much fun, but it passes the time. Try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for making the accountant laugh  – (No chance!)


 Try to not think about penguins
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Use your secret mind power
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Pick a passer- by and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

Pretend you’re a robot
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Walk , trying to copy the accountant’s  mechanical movements, adding ‘zzzzzt’ sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.

Scratch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

Rate his appearance(Amusement Potential: 10-15 minutes)
Award the accountant marks out of ten  for sartorial elegance offering (unsaid) expert criticism over his clothing  (grey or blue), hairstyle ( bald or side-parting) and footwear ( black) choices.
Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
Try  to pick a random word from the  “accountant’s drone” that you are listening to and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises. We call that “empathising” with an accountant.

Pinch yourself
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for a while, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

Pretend to be a car
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.  If you leave the accountant standing while you do this, you will be able to pick up on the conversation on your return. He won’t notice your absence anyway.

Make Star Trek door noises
(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)
Stand by an electric door to a bank or something and make that silly “Scccccccchwop” sound heard whenever people popped on to the bridge to hang with Captain Kirk.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study the after-image
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes)
Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).

Invent a weird twitch
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes)
Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or making sporadic coughing noises). 
 

Make a low buzzing noise
(Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes)
Hours of fun ! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see if the accountant  reacts. He won’t.

And finally………………….How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
“Hmmm……..I’ll just do a few numbers and get back to you.”