Naughty pirates


Who said this?  “Piracy and the taking of hostages is unacceptable in any circumstances. We call on those people who have taken the British citizens hostage to release them as soon as possible. They should abide by international law.”

Those Somali pirates must be really crapping themselves now that Gordon Brown  has told them that they should “abide by international law”. Gordon, you muppet – these are pirates and  NOT abiding by the law is not-only implicit in their job title but also in their job description. Kidnapping people is their JOB.

Paul and Rachel Chandler are a couple in their 50s. They are  from Tunbridge Wells and their yacht the Lynn Rival was boarded by pirates last Friday. They are now hostages on a container ship off  the Somali coast and their yacht was found drifting . It is thought that there will soon be a ransom demand.

This from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office: “Hostage taking is never justified, Paul and Rachel are blameless tourists and they should be released immediately and unconditionally. The families are deeply concerned for the safety of their loved ones. Foreign and Commonwealth Office staff are in close contact with them and offering support.”

Here’s what you do.  Send in an SAS unit and kill the pirates. Take them down. That should help them to abide by international law. Telling them that they’re naughty is not really enough to  worry them.


  • There are many societies and countries which have undemocratic customs, an undemocratic society and definitely undemocratic religions. Nevertheless, we in the West seem to think that Democracy is the only viable system of government. Why? Because it works for us. Democracy has been overlaid on the  African Tribal cultures but tribes still vote “en-bloc” for their own tribal leaders and chiefs. Iraqis lived in comparative peace whilst being ruled by a despotic dictator. We didn’t like it but it worked for them – after a fashion. Afghanistan is yet another society where we create havoc and destruction in the misguided belief that “one man one vote”is some sort of panacea to a countrys’ social  and political issues. We have left a trail of devastation in Africa and  the Middle East, yet we fail to learn the lessons of history.


  • Prince Edward is in Sydney for the 50thAnniversary of the Duke of Edinburgh awards. His visit has coincided with the end of an inquest into the 2006 death of 17 year-old David Iredale. David died of dehydration after becoming lost in Australia’s Blue Mountains while participating in the DoE awards. The Prince demonstrated yet again that he has inherited his father’s uncanny ability to produce the  well-timed “mot juste”. Prince Sensitive said in an interview that when kids are participating in the awards they think ” Wow, this is serious. You could die doing this!”. Australia is outraged.  Pity that the Prince wimped out of the Marines a few years back. He’s be out of harm’s way in Afghanistan “shooting ragheads”, as his nephew Harry might say and thinking to himself:” Wow, this is serious. You could die doing this!”.


  • The most important news of the day has to be the fact that Threshers, the booze chain has gone into administration. It is now run by accountants (KPMG). The accountants will try to sell the chain as a going concern but this is not necessarily a good time to be selling an unprofitable business with 1300 shops and 6500 staff. Threshers have made many strategic and tactical errors over the years, one of them being Oddbins (remember them?). Threshers realised a while back that they had absolutely no chance of competing with  the supermarkets and decided to try their hand at the bulk distribution of wine – hence Oddbins. Unfortunately, most of the Oddbins premises did not have any parking facilities – a basic error, but a lethal one. Lately, Threshers have been trying “3 for the price of 2” offers but all that did was to highlight how expensive individual bottles were. Their status has deteriorated over the years into what can only be described as a booze convenience store. The sort of place that you go when you are too lazy to walk to the supermarket or already too pissed to drive there . The sad end of an era.


  • Tony Blair’s odds of becoming President of Europe have lengthened drastically in the last two days. So in truth – it ain’t going to happen. Surprising really as both Jacqui Smith and Gordon Brown have recently jumped on the Blair Bandwagon. Then, as usual for anything touched by New Labour – the wheels came off. Shame. Blair had probably already hired the builders to tart up Nuremberg Stadium in time for the first rally.


  • The Men in Skirts – our religious leaders have met with Ed Milliband and urged that something be done about Global Warming. Presumably Big G  is keeping out of this one. The Copenhagen conference starts in six weeks time. The Earth arrived on the scene 16 billion years ago  so six weeks is not a long time to sort things out. Did I say 16 billion years?  Sorry, I meant 4004.


  • It is the 35th anniversary of the “Rumble in the Jungle” in Zaire between George Foreman and Muhammad Ali. Ali knocked Foreman out and reclaimed the world heavyweight title at the age of 32. At the time, he seemed so old and now it seems like only yesterday. Where have our lives gone?


  • Lots of whispers in the City about LLoyds Bank which hopes to raise £25 billion through a share rights issue. It is anticipated that the shares will be issued at less than half Lloyds current share price. Will they attract £25 billion? European competition rules state that banks which have governmental support are not playing on a level field with other banks  and a condition of Europe rubber-stamping the rights issue, Lloyds has been told to sell-off some of its assets. So, Cheltenham and Gloucester, Intelligent Finance and the Scottish Lloyds-TSB will be up for sale. Make no mistake, the banking system is still walking a knife edge. The recent rise in bank share prices has been fuelled by Quantitative Easing. The Government hands the banks free money. The banks lend the money to large investors who then buy  bank shares. The apparent demand for bank shares makes the banks’ share prices rise. The Government’s slice of the bank goes up in value. Everybody’s happy. Can you see anything wrong with that? As someone said this morning “I can hear a Niagara somewhere in the distance but I cannot really guess how far away it is.”

  • Railway franchisees have been suggesting that they would be more inclined to invest in the railways if their franchises were for longer than the current average of 7 years. They say that 15-20 years would be preferable. The Government still controls they number of trains and timetables – and a good job too. Can you imagine what the various train operators might do in order to boost profits if they managed to divest themselves on Government involvement? Yup! Fewer trains and a worse service. Back to square one. The best trains that I have ever travelled on? Not France but Holland.


  • The Class B, Class C debate rumbles on. Cannabis (Class B), has been shown to be comparatively harmless – especially compared to tobacco and alcohol. In fact, had alcohol been discovered today, it would probably be a Class A drug. Nicotine as well. It has also been shown that the criminalisation of drugs does NOT work – all it does is drive the price up and that forces certain individuals to resort to burglary  and mugging to find enough cash to pay for their hobby. It’s about time that weed was decriminalised. Man.


  • Marlon King the ex-Wigan footballer who groped and then punched a young lady is an animal. He is a psycho and a sociopath with too little brain and too much money. He belongs to that shallower-than-shallow “Don’t you know who I am?”  culture. Thickos with wallets. He has now been banged-up for 18 months and hopefully when he appeals his sentence, it will be increased. Wigan F.C have sacked and disowned him. The hope is that he will never again kick another football in the United Kingdom.  His agent has been quoted as saying “Marlon has a right to work.”  We agree – at MacDonald’s. By the way, Marlon’s defence was that this was a case of “mistaken identity”. As he’s black, he obviously thinks that to us white honkeys, “individuals of colour”  all look the same. That’s racist.


  • For some reason, I have started receiving “Friends Reunited Dating Matches” in my email. Whoever did this to me – start running! It’s obvious from the photos that I am being sent, that my benefactor  has told Friends Reunited that I prefer women in their 70s, 80s and beyond. Nevertheless,  I have to admit that there is a sort of morbid fascination in looking at photos of these sad old lovelies.  I know what MILFs are but these appear to be beyond categorisation. ODILFs? Or perhaps it’s a sick “wind-up” of some sort.