Gobbledygook awards

Congratulations.The Plain English Campaign has awarded the Golden Bull to the following (translations are provided in brackets):

Peter Mandelson: Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right. (MPs need better scrutiny – not more scrutiny)

The Department of Health: Primary prevention includes health promotion and requires action on the determinants of health to prevent disease occurring. It has been described as refocusing upstream to stop people falling in the waters of disease. ( Doctors can prevent diseases)

Equity Red Star Insurance: Any endorsement number shown in this schedule but not included in the endorsement appendix shall be deemed to apply and form part of the appendix the endorsements bearing such number(s) being attached or previously applied. ( The listed endorsement do apply to this policy)

Learning an Skills Development Service: The government calls insistently for more innovation. But doing things in a new way will not necessarily lead to better outcomes. So, what do we mean by innovation? We share the thinking of, for example, the Work Foundation, which sees innovation not ‘as a set of discrete and singular moments of change’ but rather as ‘a culture or process in which drivers of change are embedded in and facilitated by the strategic outlook of the organisation. To draw an analogy from nature, innovation may be thought of as the new season’s growth rather than a series of isolated bright ideas. ( It’s Change, init?) 

Dublin Airport: Neither the execution and delivery by the Consultant of this Agreement nor the consummation by it of any of the transactions contemplated hereby, requires, with respect to it, the consent or approval of the giving of notice to, the registration, with the record or filing of any document with, or the taking of any other action in respect of any government authority, except such as are not yet required (as to which it has no reason to believe that the same will not be readily obtainable in the ordinary course of business upon due application therefore) or which have been duly obtained and are in full force and effect. (This contract has you by the balls.)

Coca Cola: To outsource some aspects of our finance transactional processing activities… we will be transitioning certain transactional activities… there will be two primary impacts to your organisation… does not impact your current terms… aiming to minimise any disruption to our business, and we expect our performance levels to stabilise soon after the transition period. ( We will pay your invoice when we feel like it.)

JMJ Associates – Health and Safety Manual: Principle 4: IIF begins with a conversation for possibility… In the domain of safety, we have found people often do not distinguish between the conversations for possibility and conversations for probability, two vastly different conversations that produce vastly different results. Conversations for probability are common in organisational life, and they help predict the future based on what has occurred in the past. Conversations for possibility are much less common and they help us create futures that we could not have predicted from the past, something ‘making the impossible possible’. The language of probability owns the mind and the language of possibility owns the heart; once the heart has embraced what is possible, the mind will never see things the same again.”  (Shit happens. Be ready)

Balaclava Public School. Letter to parents:

Dear parent/Guardians,

The Grade 7 Science classes are nearing the completion for the unit Pure Substances and Mixtures. In this unit, students have been introduced to the Particle Theory of Matter, and to some of the terminology related to the field of chemistry. They have also been given the opportunity to explore, and conduct experiments related to the properties of solutions and mechanical mixtures. At this time all students are encouraged to discuss with you the content and expectations of the culminating task along with how it will be assessed. This culminating task allows students to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that he/she has learned throughout the module. Although students are responsible to independently complete this task, we would very much appreciate your assistance for the experimenting component, as students require access to a kitchen and some ingredients to develop their own mixture.

Thank you in advance for your interest and co-operation.

( Your child will be making cupcakes at home.) 

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