Brian of Britain

 brian-reade.jpg “Pillow-eating?”

Brian (Fidel) Reade is arguably the best columnist around  and the best-loved Scouser since James Maybrick but there are occasions when he appears to be playing without the full complement of marbles.

This week’s  article in the Daily Mirror finds our Brian suggesting that  GB’s sporting success has  largely been made possible through the munificence of successive Labour governments. 

Pity Labour cannot do the same for the economy. 

Brian blaming the Tories for our lack of sporting success is like blaming Ramsay MacDonald for the Great Depression or Tony Blair for Gordon Brown’s current rerun of the MacDonald years.

Anyway, we digress because among the millions of British Olympics Association bulletins that Spygun has been receiving over the past 12 months, here is  one which Brian will find of interest:

Liverpool’s  bid in for the 2016 Olympics

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
Liverpool’s previous Olympic competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes…

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles –  car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate’s van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING

A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor’s ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 – A Moving Police Van.
2 – A Post Office Clerk.
3 – A Bank Teller or Securior Driver.
4 – Their next door neighbours youngest child.
NB – This event will be accompanied  by the ritual cries of ‘I thought he was a Bizzy’ or ‘He pulled a blade on me, like’.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy’s Boy from the country on his first trip away from home.  Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court’s valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN’S 50Km WALK
Q – Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A – Because if it walked it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following ‘exhibition’ event designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced:

PILLOW EATING
The winner will be the contestant who can get the most pillow in his mouth after his 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to  him.

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