This is from our occasional series on Magagement Bullshit.
There are occasions when the message that you have received is obviously wrong but you are not sure quite what the sender meant.
For instance, the five-word title to this article is a texting-error about a walk in the park.
The full message was: “Thought a lot about you last night and then had a long wamk in the park.”
Below is a list of the 20 most common corporate lies but as the message is not always clear, translations are provided.
1. We have an entrepreneurial spirit.
“We don’t know what the f*** we’re doing.”
2. I like a man who speaks his mind.
“No-one likes a man who speaks his mind. You are an opiniated big-mouth.”
3. People are our greatest resource.
“We treat people like shit.”
4. The Boss is one of us.
“No he is not. If he was, he would be working for you.”
5. Staying small was a conscious decision.
“Our Standard and Poors and Equifax ratings went down the toilet.”
6. Let’s keep this “off the record”.
There is no such thing as “off the record”.
7. Immediate delivery? No problem.
“Once we’ve got your money, you can whistle.”
8. W’ere going to lunch to talk business.
“Let’s get really pissed.”
9. Money? It’s just a score card.
“I earn more than you, you prat.”
10.You have to twist my arm to go on a business trip.
“It’s so nice to get away from the wife and screaming kid(s).”
11. We don’t tolerate failure.
12. In my day, we made six sales a day.
“I screwed up as a salesman and went into management. Now I’m screwing up management.”
13. I drive a BMW but I’d be just as happy with a Fiat 500.
14. I’m not doing this because you’e my boss.
“I’m a slapper.”
15. We treat every customer as if they were our only customer.
“We treat all of our customers like jerks.”
16. I’ll tell you when I’m coming.
“Hee hee! Oops…. too late! Sorry!”
17. I’m doing this for the company.
” I’m doing this only for myself.” “Moi.”
18. I’ve heard good things about you.
” Who are you?”
19. I’ve recommended you for a pay-rise.
” I have not recommended you for anything – except an exit interview”
20. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.
( Since last week).