We have been lucky enough to obtain a transcript of a telephone conversation between the leader of Britain’s Labour Party, Ed Miliband and Jim Messina who has been hired by the Conservatives to mastermind their attempt to win the next General Election in May 2015 with (for a change) an overall majority – something that they haven’t achieved for over 20 years! There’s a rumour that although David Cameron has secured Mr Messina’s talents on behalf of Tory High Command, Messina was also approached by the Labour Party…..possibly even the Leader himself!
Mr Messina masterminded Barack Obama’s second election victory and is therefore regarded as a miracle worker – which is something that the Labour Party is in severe need of. At the time of publication, Ed Miliband is leader of the Labour Party.
Woman’s voice: Hello, this is James Messina’s Office. Marilyn speaking. How may I help you?
Ed Miliband: Hello. This is Ed Miliband speaking. I am calling from England.
Ed: England. I’d like to speak to Jim please.
Marilyn: England? Is that near London? What was your name again?
Ed: Ed MIliband.
Marilyn: Ted Bilibann?
Ed: No it’s Ed. Ed Miliband. Miliband.
Marilyn: Is Mr Messina expecting your call, Ted?
Ed: No – but I’m the leader of the Labour Party.
Marilyn: The WHAT?
Ed: The Labour Party. Over here, we’re like the Democrats and I’m like Barack Obama..but not…
Marilyn: Not what?
Ed: Er…………….President. I’m not the President of England.
Marilyn: President?……..Who is the President of England if it’s not you, Ted?
(Man’s voice in background : Who is THAT, Mari?)
Marilyn (muffled): Its some guy saying he’s the President of England.
Messina grabs phone
Messina: Hi Dave. Didn’t realise it was you. Mari thought it was that f***ing jerk..er…
Ed: It’s Ed Miliband.
Messina: Yeah! That was the guy! What can we do for you, DC? How’s the gorgeous Sam?
Ed: THIS is Ed Miliband. Is that Jim?
Messina (Muffled) CRAP! er…. Hello Ed. There’s been some misunderstanding……..er Ed. How’s David?
Ed: Which one? They’re both fine thanks, Jim. I wonder if I can have a word with you
Messina: How did you get this number, Ed?
Ed: David Cameron had it written on the palm of his hand hand and I remembered it. I saw it when he was practising those funny salutes in the mirror….. in the Stranger’s Bar toilet.
Messina: So, Ed. What do you want?
Ed: We, the Labour Party want to win the next General Election and we wondered whether…..er…..you would consider helping us to achieve our goal.
(Sound of muffled but uncontrollable laughter from Messina. One minute later, he returns to the phone)
Messina: Sorry about that, Ed. I swallowed something and it went down the wrong way…..
Ed: That’s OK, Jim. I was saying . Would you like to be my election guru and help me to win the next General Election? Please?
Messina : Sorry Ed. I’m very busy at the moment.
Ed: If it’s a question of money…that’s not a problem. I have lots. Well, to be perfectly honest I don’t have the cash but I know some powerful people who do and they say they’ll be able to contribute..er..
Messina: Let me be frank…er….Ed. I have a reputation and don’t normally HAVE to associate with losers.
Ed: So you haven’t signed with the Conservatives then, Jim? (laughs)
Messina: Can I speak frankly, Ed?
Ed: Yes of course, Jim. Fire away…as we say over here!
Messina: Sure you won’t be offended, Ed?
Ed: No Jim. Go ahead. Let me have it! (laughs)
Messina: Ed…you haven’t got a f***ing chance of winning. That is why I’m already working for Dave and the Conservativerers. The Labourite Party is going to get f***ed over if you remain as leader. THAT’s the word on the streets, Ed….Sorry, man….
Ed: Do you REALLY think so, Jim? Heard anything else, Jim?
Messina: Ed……If I talk for any longer than three minutes, it becomes a consultation and Mari is already typing the invoice….
Ed: Will you accept a cheque from UNITE, Jim?
Messina: ANY United Nations cheque is good enough for me, Ed. I have great respect for Kofi Ananan.
Ed: But he’s ….er…..er….never mind..You were saying…?
Messina: They say that you are like a guy called Kinnock….all wind and p**s, Ed…..
Ed: Neil was a great leader…who says that, Jim?
Messina: Everyone, Ed. THAT and the fact that you have no policies.
Ed: I HAVE! A European Referendum is one. Then there’s our intention to cut down on Social Security benefits. Then….
Messina: Those are Dave’s policies, Ed……..You stole them.
Ed: No, Jim. I thought of them first. Ed and I did.
Messina: You’re confusing me Ed….
Ed: Ed Balls.
Messina: So I’ve heard.
Marilyn (in background): Mr Messina, it’s time for your Orthodontist and Pilates.
Messina: Sorry, Ed. Have to go but the best of luck in the election….although I’m going to have to take you apart between now and then!! No hard feelings, eh?!
Ed: F*** you!
Messina: You too Ed…….Bye!